Care and feeding of your computer

I've been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I'm tempted to hand this out to some of our users.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data

My computer crashed and died today

My computer crashed and died today And I thought, "oh well what the hey" Now I'd have time to clean my house And see if I still had a spouse

It started out with weird frustrations Combined with mild heart palpitations And then my ankles began to swell Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL

Chills ran up and down my spine Oh, God I had to get on-line To greet my buds and check my mail I began to feel helpless and frail

Then I remembered the Good Guy's Store And all those computers by the door I'd go there and when alone With no one looking I'd sign-on

I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem soundI was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound

Then I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye" And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try. This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix

I ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...I... stood....and...waited The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real frustrated That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking scream

When I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

How To Build A web

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

REDNECK PIC'S

REDNECK LOTTERY WINNER

REDNECK CAMPER

REDNECK BASS BOAT

REDNECK MEASURING TAPE

REDNECK AUTOBODY REPAIR

The FBI interviews

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife."

The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.

Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent.

"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."

Three Mice at the bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar.
Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.
"The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I got to go home and f**k the cat."

Blonde And Chimps

A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?""Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?""Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.""I'd be happy to," said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde."What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."

Redneck Medical Terms

* Artery......................The study of paintings.* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.* Colic.......................A sheep dog.* Coma........................A punctuation mark.* D&C.........................Where Washington is.* Dilate......................To live long.* Enema.......................Not a friend.* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.* Fibula......................A small lie.* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.* Node........................I knew it.* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.* Secretion...................Hiding something* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.* Tablet......................A small table.* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.* Tumor.......................More than one.* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out* Varicose....................Near by

Oceans Of Blondes

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field."Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass

A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Five Kinds Of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

Corporate Lessons!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

You Know You're a Redneck if...

Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site. Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat." Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A." Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription. Your wife is sister and your daughter You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting. You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop. On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.

Computer Addict

To my darling husband......
Dear John,
I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Mary

Bill Gates Meets His Match

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."Bill: "Stacker?"Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."Bill: "You're kidding!?"Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."Bill: "And how do I fix that?"Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

25 Things Cat Lovers Know

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.
- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.
- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
- One cat just leads to another.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied. "She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?" "Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! " "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Playing Craps

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

The Fisherman

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"