The Pastor and the Donkey

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

Learning About Medicines

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'

'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'

'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister catherine.

'It is used for diarrhea.'

'And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.

Before Sex

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply,

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

The Robot Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaah Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

The Man's Wish

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.

The Experimental Pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor.

She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!'

The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'

'Naah... ', she says, 'that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway.

Good Alaskan Fishing

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Saving Up

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!

In Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the bull with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then he just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another bull with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for position in United States Congress: come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave the mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Strip Joint

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."!

I called mine Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him either Rover or Boy. I called mine Sex. Now Sex is a very embarassing name.

One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A cop came over to me and said, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and told the clerk, "I would like to have a license for Sex!" He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand. I had Sex since I was two years old." He said, "You must have been a very strong baby."

I told the Judge that when my husband and I separated, we went to Court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." And...the Judge said, 'Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. And he said, "Me too." When I told him that I had Sex on TV, he said "Showoff." I told him that it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.

I also told the Judge about the time when my husband and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog, Sex. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my husband and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk told me that every room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, 'Me too.".....I give up !!!!

Golf Facts

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

A Daytime Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope........ . just when it's raining".

Talking Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk.

"The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey

Example Of A Development

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.

" Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

You Caught My Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied,

"only those who catch my eye."

The Church Organist

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine the shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes, " she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

Made in Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: "NO NERDS." He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.

"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.

"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.

"Well," the bartender answers, "it's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."

So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's too hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one. While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season."

"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

Pulled Over

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."

So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"