I called mine Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him either Rover or Boy. I called mine Sex. Now Sex is a very embarassing name.

One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A cop came over to me and said, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and told the clerk, "I would like to have a license for Sex!" He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand. I had Sex since I was two years old." He said, "You must have been a very strong baby."

I told the Judge that when my husband and I separated, we went to Court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." And...the Judge said, 'Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. And he said, "Me too." When I told him that I had Sex on TV, he said "Showoff." I told him that it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.

I also told the Judge about the time when my husband and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog, Sex. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my husband and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk told me that every room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, 'Me too.".....I give up !!!!

Golf Facts

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

A Daytime Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope........ . just when it's raining".

Talking Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk.

"The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey

Example Of A Development

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.

" Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

You Caught My Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied,

"only those who catch my eye."

The Church Organist

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine the shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes, " she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

Made in Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: "NO NERDS." He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.

"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.

"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.

"Well," the bartender answers, "it's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."

So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's too hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one. While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season."

"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

Pulled Over

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."

So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Groceries

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.)












































What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes..

Eternal Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard astrange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door,she observed her daughter with a vibrator.Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

'The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from theother side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, heobserved his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: dad'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

'A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzingnoise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered thatarea and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a coldbeer, and staring at the TV.The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazyThe wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law

" Fill it with water "

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Please pray for Rick

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway... Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello.

" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes.

" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

" WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?

" WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.

" WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.

" WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.

" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Pickles

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

$7.00 SEX

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming and wishes them good luck,

He charges them $50 and says good bye!!The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out???”

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married too, and we can't go to my house ". “SO…….we come here because”…………

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50

and I get $43 back from Medicare

Lust

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed.

Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her.

The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now.

The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.

Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church.

"Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.

"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"